Monday, June 7, 2010

Thoughts on moving on

After a month of no follies, not even a tiny antral, along with a soaring LH and FSH (LH in the 50s, FSH at least that high if not higher), not only has the RE given up on the cycle, he has given up on my eggs. Now, if I were younger and earlier in the TTC process, this would be upsetting but it wouldn't deter me from trying elsewhere. In fact, it did happen to me when I was younger but I pushed on and worked with Dr Check at Cooper for a while.

But at this point in the process, and knocking on the door of my 45th birthday, I am at a different place. In fact, I am almost relieved. It is so strange to me, it is like I have been given "permission" to move on.

I am now trying to sort out my emotions, it is quite a mixed bag of relief, sadness, grief, helplessness, defeat.

Years of trying, putting my life and career on hold, and nothing to show for it. With most things in life, we are taught if you work hard enough, you can achieve your goals. Unfortunately nature had other plans for me.

My age alone is such a huge hurdle, but if I were producing lots of follicles then there is still a tiny chance. But with no antral follicles, then it is safe to say that my ovaries are now done.

I spent the last 4.5 years doing IVF, and we were trying even longer on our own before that, so I did put up the very best fight that I could right up to the end. For me, it was important to go through all that I did, I did not want to get to menopause and wonder if we really tried hard enough with my own eggs while they lasted.