Saturday, October 3, 2009

Some thoughts at the end of another cycle

I like the comment from theappetiser about a series of little BFNs being better than one big BFN, that is exactly how it works for me. There is no way I could handle getting my hopes up and then getting that phone call, it would send me over the edge. I am also the type of person that goes into the ocean or pool slowly rather than jumping in, I'd rather endure the slower torture than the one big shock!

That said, of course I did get another confirmed BFN, and as expected the phone call was absolutely no big deal at all by then. I'd had several days to deal with the BFN already and I think the nurse had a harder time delivering the news than I did hearing it.

It is not so much this BFN on its own that is bugging me, but the thought of a marathon TTC journey ending unsuccessfully. At 44 years old, with IVF as my only option due to tubal issues from prior surgeries, it is just plain grim.

If it was possible to try naturally, I would at least have a non-zero chance if we quit doing IVF. After all, natural pregnancies certainly do occur into the late 40s. But a successful IVF in the late 40s with one's own eggs would be a world first, it simply doesn't work as well as natural.

I wish I were younger and could just put things on hold for a year or so and come back and start fresh after a long break. But you just can't do that at 44.

I don't regret all those IVFs that we tried. I don't even know how many we are at now, 15 IVF transfers? Something like that, possibly more. More than what most people would be willing to endure. Some of those have been natural/low stim IVF cycles, so it isn't quite as brutal as it sounds. It is the acceptance of being childless that is still the hardest thing for me. It is difficult to even get my mind to contemplate that thought for more than a few seconds. Well, I am going to have to get used to the thought. I am going to have to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life if I'm not going to be a mother. It is still very daunting right now.

In many things in life, if you work really hard, you can achieve your goal. I am finding out the hard way that trying to conceive through IVF with high FSH isn't one of those things. Protocols can only go so far. It is a crap shoot. Pure luck plays a huge part. Or lack of it.

Many do get lucky, but there are those that do not. Usually you don't hear of the ones that do not succeed, they stop updating their blogs, they stop participating in TTC message boards. They move on. Their voice isn't heard on the internet any more, so you don't really hear of the people who give up and choose to be childless. And this can give the false impression that there aren't many of them. And that the odds of success can't be all that bad. But the truth is, for some of us, it simply isn't going to work in the timeframe that we have left.

I'm not completely done right now, but some time in 2010 will see me calling it a day.

Please, no comments on donor egg, adoption, or other family building options. After many years of IF, it is not like we have never given any thought to these options. We appreciate that we live in a time when many things are now possible, and are genuinely happy for friends that are going down these other paths, but for reasons that we do not want to go into here, we have decided that these options are not for us.


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