Saturday, October 10, 2009

Maybe a cycle

I like to take a bit of a mental break after each BFN, so I have been away from the blogging and the boards that talk about TTC. And after a BFN, it doesn't quite end there. There is the post-IVF AF to deal with, usually a particularly intense version that comes several days after "the call". That always has me keeping a low profile for a few days.

Right now I am trying to come to terms with the ending of my journey while at the same time putting in some last attempts. I know that sounds kind of strange, but it is a mindset that I am trying to get used to. I need to become comfortable with the idea of moving on, and that will take time.

Looking back, after all my efforts I have only managed 3 transfers in the last 12 months, my least productive year so far. And only 4 embryos in those 12 months. Since this is a numbers game, I don't think that is good enough... not for someone in their 40s anyway... to overcome the odds.

I am so burnt out I really didn't want to cycle again this month. But I have a consult scheduled from a while back that is coming up this week, and DP has another business trip over on the east coast again. Since we are both scheduled to be traveling over there, logistically it one of our most suitable months to cycle ever, so may as well try and take advantage of it. At the very least I thought I should get some monitoring to see where I am this month.

On CD2, I had:
FSH: 13
E2: 28
LH: 2.4
Prog: 2.3

For me, these numbers usually mean that by CD5 the FSH will spike to between 20-30. Usually, but not always. And I am always pleased when the E2 comes in above 10.

So I went to my local labcorp on CD5 nice and early in the morning, in the hopes that a STAT result will make it to the east coast before they close for the day. Always a bit dicey with the 3 hour time difference, but if it doesn't make it then no big deal, I'll get the results the next day.

Well, today is the next day. And no lab results. The clinic called to confirm that they haven't received anything yesterday or today. The local labcorp offices are all closed on Saturday, so I can't chase up the results. And I couldn't find any customer service number that was open on a weekend!

Oh well, this is a typical scenario when doing out of town monitoring 3 times zones away. Wish I could confirm if my FSH has spiked or not, that would determine whether I should take estinyl or whether I should start stims.

In the end, I decided to take 150 IU of Bravelle and skip the estinyl. If the FSH has spiked up on Monday I'll just start the estinyl then. Or skip the cycle this month altogether if it looks really bad. I must be a veteran since none of this has really bothered me very much, even down to guessing what my meds should be. Gosh I remember when I first started doing IVF how I thought everything had to be exact, and the protocol couldn't be altered in the slightest. I have since learned that my ovaries tend to be resistant to pretty much everything: high stim, low stim, no stim, it really doesn't make much difference... 1 or 2 follies is always the result.

So I am flying up to NJ tomorrow, and will be at the clinic on Monday. I haven't committed to a cycle, I want to see what my numbers are first. I am pretty relaxed about it because if it doesn't look good this month, I will join DP on his business trip when he travels down to Washington DC and do the tourist thing while he goes off to work. And to be honest, I am quite looking forward to another little mini-break. But I can only go down to DC if I cancel my cycle, the timing is such that I can't do both.

And DP will be coming to the clinic no matter how the cycle goes. If I end up doing a retrieval then he will be there to do his part, otherwise he will leave a sample to freeze for a later cycle. So no pressure for him about a wasted trip to the clinic.

It is kind of a strange start to the cycle. I am flying to New Jersey tomorrow, have a meeting with the doctor on Monday but after that I don't know what will happen... if I will be doing low stim IVF at Cooper or going to DC for some sightseeing.

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