Monday, June 7, 2010

Thoughts on moving on

After a month of no follies, not even a tiny antral, along with a soaring LH and FSH (LH in the 50s, FSH at least that high if not higher), not only has the RE given up on the cycle, he has given up on my eggs. Now, if I were younger and earlier in the TTC process, this would be upsetting but it wouldn't deter me from trying elsewhere. In fact, it did happen to me when I was younger but I pushed on and worked with Dr Check at Cooper for a while.

But at this point in the process, and knocking on the door of my 45th birthday, I am at a different place. In fact, I am almost relieved. It is so strange to me, it is like I have been given "permission" to move on.

I am now trying to sort out my emotions, it is quite a mixed bag of relief, sadness, grief, helplessness, defeat.

Years of trying, putting my life and career on hold, and nothing to show for it. With most things in life, we are taught if you work hard enough, you can achieve your goals. Unfortunately nature had other plans for me.

My age alone is such a huge hurdle, but if I were producing lots of follicles then there is still a tiny chance. But with no antral follicles, then it is safe to say that my ovaries are now done.

I spent the last 4.5 years doing IVF, and we were trying even longer on our own before that, so I did put up the very best fight that I could right up to the end. For me, it was important to go through all that I did, I did not want to get to menopause and wonder if we really tried hard enough with my own eggs while they lasted.

Friday, May 14, 2010

CD7 - clomid is making me crazy!

I thought I was doing just fine on clomid, with no side effects whatsoever to report. But by the 4th pill, the headaches started, then nausea. Any today, the clomid moodiness. Boy was I a mess after the monitoring appointment. The waiting room was full of babies, heavily pregnant women, and toddlers running up to everyone to engage in conversation. Eeek! Not the place for an infertile woman on clomid!

The scan today was disappointing as usual. Zero antrals. Nothing, nada. My body seems to have totally ignored the clomid and injectables so far. Now, I have had nothing at CD7 before, only to have follies pop up later, but that was when I was on BCP suppression beforehand. This is the first time it has happened to me without any suppression at all, and it was quite unnerving.

But here's the weird thing. My lining was 8.8. What is my lining doing already at 8.8 if there are no follicles? Shouldn't it be more like 4 or 5? And on clomid no less, which is supposed to thin the lining. Not complaining about the lining mind you, I'm just saying that I don't understand it.

E2 came back at 35. Well, it could have been worse, it has been as low as <5 in recent cycles. At least it has gone up, so maybe something is trying to grow in them ol' ovaries after all.

I am on 150 Bravelle and 150 Menopur a day from now until the next scan, which will be 5 days from now.

Monday, May 10, 2010

CD3 - cleared to start

I must say though, I was disappointed that my FSH clocked in at 16 yesterday. This usually means a crappy cycle for me. At Cooper I would be put on estinyl, my E2 would never rise, and a few weeks later they would cancel me and put me on provera to end the cycle. At this clinic though, I am cleared to start meds. But with that FSH level, I tend to produce just 1 follie. Oh well. We'll see if I am right. One follie is better than none though!

So I have started 50mg of clomid and will start low stims today. First ultrasound will be on Friday, another 4 days away.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

CD1 again

I am coming off a one month break and here we are back at CD1 and I'm ready to go again! Last month my numbers were terrible, FSH of 27 so it was probably good that I had other commitments and couldn't cycle anyway. Hoping for better numbers this time around.

I called into the clinic to tell them it is the start of my cycle, and they are going to fax the blood order to the local lab so I can go in for a blood draw tomorrow. I'll be monitored here at home for about a week or so, then I'll fly down to the clinic and stay there for a while.

This time I am doing a clomid/injectable cycle. I've done these before, so I'm not at all scared of clomid despite the common opinion that it is bad for over 40 ladies with high FSH. My lining is usually on the thick side, in fact last cycle it was on the verge of being too thick, so a slightly thinner lining due to clomid might even be beneficial.

At this point though, I feel it is mostly about luck and having a month where a healthy egg comes forward.

Friday, April 2, 2010

11dp2dt / 13dpo

Well, I'm out this month. As of yesterday the pee-sticks finally became stark white as the last remnants of trigger finally got metabolized. Both First Response and Dollar store agree that this is yet another BFN. Totally sucks.

My first clinic would have me doing a beta today, so it is not "too early" to see a bfp. For some reason this new clinic does them at 17dpo. I suppose that gives time for early chemicals to work themselves out without having the patient go through a brief period of beta hell. But honestly, I think quite a few patients would want to know if they had a chemical. I mean, its a step in the right direction and for some people it may be the furthest they have ever got, so it could be seen as encouraging that they can get pregnant.

I'll be good though and continue the meds until beta but I gotta say, my boobs are killing me from the Vivelle patches and the progesterone. Sucks to have pregnancy symptoms without being pregnant. Must be the Vivelle, I am using it for the first time this cycle (2 patches at a time) and I bet that it is sending my estrogen level through the roof. Progesterone alone doesn't make my boobs hurt so much. It isn't easy to distract myself for the remainder of the cycle with the boobs hurting 24/7. Hey, this probably counts as estrogen priming for the next cycle, so I suppose there is some good in continuing the Vivelle.

Not sure what our plans are for next month. DH might be travelling to Washington again so we could possibly end up doing a cycle at Cooper again. Too drained to even think about any of that right now.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

9dp2dt / 11dpo

Well the line is much fainter this morning, and it was already pretty faint yesterday. No way the camera would show the line in a photo at this point. Obviously I am disappointed, but not disappointed enough to stop testing.

What I find annoying is that when do I search on the internet for images of very faint bfps, they almost always seem to be big fat honkin' lines that are completely obvious, lines I would never decsribe as very faint. My line isn't like those lines, it really is one of those where you don't see it at first but need to look closer and turn the stick this way and that to confirm that there is shadow of a line. This is the First Response stick by the way. The Dollar store stick was totally blank this morning.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

8dp2dt / 10dpo

In the past, today is the day that I have gotten a BFP. Unfortunately, no such luck today, the sticks are still showing what appears to be a lingering trigger. The line isn't getting any darker and is still super, super faint. I can't say for sure that it is lighter than yesterday so calling it about the same. So I'll keep on testing...